


Someday You Will be Loved

by Minion99



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: F/F, quincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-21
Updated: 2013-07-21
Packaged: 2017-12-20 22:21:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/892561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minion99/pseuds/Minion99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sara says something unexpected on stage and embarrasses not only herself but her sister and her bandmates. Her slip of the tongue could lead to much bigger repercussions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

An awkward silence filled the air backstage after Sara had dropped the ‘M-word’ on stage multiple times that night. The boys seemed to struggle with making eye contact with Sara.

Masturbating wasn't something you really talked about on a tour bus. Clearly, it was something everyone needed to do more of and felt like they couldn't. Even if you were brave enough to try while others were asleep, the slightest noise could freeze you in your tracks. And privacy on the bus was a joke. At any moment, someone was likely to rip the curtain of your bunk back and reveal anything and everything you might have felt comfortable attempting a few seconds before. It seemed everyone was struggling with this unspoken problem.

Sara sighs loudly, clearly annoyed as she sat down at the table once on the bus. Tegan boarded to find her sister arms crossed and staring out the window into the dark. Tegan paused at the table and gave Sara a long look.

"Why did you have to say that? On stage? More than once?" she asked, feeling her cheeks redden as the words came out. "That was really embarrassing, Sara."

"Sorry to embarrass you," she said not turning her gaze from the darkness outside, "Not everyone feels comfortable getting them self off on a bus with other people." Tegan narrowed her eyes. "Clearly, it doesn't bother you, though." Tegan's cheeks grew hot again. 

"What are you implying, Sara?" Sara smirked, still gazing out the window. 

"From the color of your face, you know exactly what I'm implying." Sara whipped her head around quickly to match her twins hateful glare. How did she know? Lately, getting off had become a regular nightly habit whether on the bus or in a hotel room. She didn't even really know why but she'd been completely insatiable.

Sara's eyes drilled holes right through her skull and Tegan felt overexposed immediately. Of course Sara knew. They were twins. She knew everything without saying a word. She felt herself become angry. 

"Oh yeah," Tegan snapped, "And how do you know what I do?" 

"First," Sara spoke in an eerily calm voice, "We're twins and I feel what you feel, in case you forgot. Furthermore, I can tell by the change in your breathing. You never make a sound but I can hear your breath quicken and then you get really quiet. Your breath hitches just as you're about to cum and I can tell your teeth are clenched. I can hear the sheets as you grabbed them up in your hands." Sara paused, "Should I continue?"

"No...just...no," Tegan said flatly, cheeks really flushed now. She walked away quickly and laid in her bunk. Her heart was racing and she felt hot. And sick. She suddenly felt like she needed to throw up. She rolled onto her side and curled up against the wall of the bunk. Damn it, if she wasn't wet again already. This was becoming too much. Maybe it was loneliness. Maybe it was boredom. She wasn't sure, but she felt irritated by the fact that she hadn't been more prudent. She wondered if she just breathed loudly or if Sara was purposefully listening to her all those late nights.

Sara didn't leave her post at the table until they reached the hotel a few minutes later. She grabbed her bag and her water and headed to her room. Once inside, she tossed her stuff on the floor and laid out across the bed. Normally, she'd read to unwind after the show but not tonight. She didn't have the patience for reading tonight. She felt hot. She felt needy. She felt lonely.

Laying there, she kicked off her shoes and let her mind run over the days events. Things had been fairly uneventful until mid-afternoon. They had boarded the bus to head to sound check and afterwards grabbed a late lunch/early dinner before everyone caught a pre-show nap on the bus. Well, almost everyone. She herself had still been awake. She had wanted to nap too but decided that taking a sleeping pill that close to show time would have been a disaster, so she had settled for laying in her bunk with her eyes closed and attempted to will herself to sleep.

She had been fairly close to achieving her goal when she’d heard a rustle from the bunk across from her. She had listened, ears straining. The air had been silent except for the sounds of soft breathing--in and out, in and out. Tegan had been awake too it seemed. More rustling. Was that the sound of a zipper? Was Tegan seriously...? Sara couldn't have been sure at first. Usually, late at night when she suspected Tegan was doing, well, that -- she would roll over and put her head phones on and block it out.

Today, however she hadn't moved. She’d laid still, listening to Tegan's breathing quickening. She’d heard the sheets crinkle and imagined Tegan's fingers wrapped in them, gripping them tightly as she got closer to finishing. Sara had flushed hard immediately at the thought and questioned why she had been listening in.

She had felt an all too familiar ache inside of herself, a need she hadn't had met in quite some time. She heard Tegan suck in a breath and Sara jumped, as if she had been caught in her fantasy world. The air was tense for a moment and she had envisioned her sister, her twin, flushed with drops of sweat forming along her brow. Sara was positive her skin was on fire at that point. Tegan had finally exhaled, slowly, and a few seconds later Sara heard the zipper again, going back up this time she presumed.

An hour before show time the bus was rustling with activity again. Sara had slid out of her bunk thankful for the few minutes of sleep she did manage to get. Tegan was on the couch, putting her shoes on when Sara caught her eye. Tegan smiled. Sara felt her cheeks go red again.  
"Hi," she said as casually as possible. 

"Hey," Tegan responded, not seeming to notice the flush that had crept into Sara's cheeks. Tegan stood up after her shoes were on and started to walk away, but quickly glanced back at Sara.

"Are you ok?" she’d asked cautiously, raising an eyebrow. Okay, maybe she did notice the flush, "Do you have a fever? Are you sick?" Sick? Yes, she felt like she could say yes to that one. Fever? Possibly, her skin did prickle like she'd been outside too long. 

"I'm fine," she lied with a halfhearted smile. At that moment, Tegan had stepped towards her and wrapped her arms around Sara unexpectedly. Sara was startled a bit. She was still getting used Tegan's new found physical affection. Sara hugged back loosely mind wondering what was going on and why she was feeling so weird today.

They had played the show uneventfully, but Sara felt off and awkward. Then came her famous ‘m- word’ statement. How had she got on that topic when all she was trying to do was explain what it was like listening to their old demos? She loved Tegan's voice and would often listen to "Tegan's Songs”. She embarrassed herself and her sister with her comments. She felt guilty for it. And she felt angered that she couldn't seem to express how she felt these days without it coming out all wrong. But what was it she felt, exactly? She didn't know. And she didn't want to find out tonight. 

Sara reached for her bag and grabbed her bottle of sleeping pills and took two before shutting off the light. 

 

Tegan was the last off the bus and was in no hurry to get to her room down the hall from Sara's. She walked slowly, letting her mind wander to the comments Sara made on stage tonight. She wasn't sure what brought it on, or why, but she felt like it had something to do with her.


	2. Chapter 2

Tegan wakes up when her phone alarm sounds the next morning at six. She checks for missed texts on her phone. None. She was half expecting Sara to text her an apology for the debacle on stage but there was nothing.

By ten minutes to seven she was outside at the bus, prepared for the next few days of travel. The guys slowly made their way onto the bus with pajamas still on and sleep in their eyes. Tegan glanced at her phone. It was now a quarter after seven and nobody had seen Sara yet.

Tegan quickly held down Sara's speed dial number and waited for the frantic 'be there in five' that Sara usually delivered when she was late getting to the bus. It went straight to voicemail. She put the phone down, slightly annoyed and a little worried.

"Hey, Ted I'm going to check and make sure Sara is up," Tegan said motioning back to the hotel. He nodded and Tegan hopped off the bus.

Inside the hotel, she makes her way back up to the third floor where she and the band spent the night. She knocked lightly on the door to room 319.

"Sara? Sara, it's almost 7:30! We have to go!" She listened for a response. Nothing. She tried knocking harder. "Sara! Come on!"

Her annoyance turned to panic in a split second and she rushed down the hall and ran past the elevators and into the stairwell. She jogged down three flights and swung out into the lobby and sprinted to the front desk.

 

"I need to see the manager, please," she said trying her best not to sound out of breath.

"Is there a problem," the young girl asked politely.

"Maybe, I don't know," she said looking around, "Is there a manager available? Please?" The girl looked confused but stepped into a nearby office and emerged with an older gentleman.

"Hi," Tegan said, attempting a smile, "My band and I stayed here last night and my sister, who is also my band mate, is still in her room upstairs. She's not answering her door and I'm worried." He seemed hesitant but offered to go up again with Tegan. They rode up the three floors in an awkward silence. He studied Tegan's worried face, and glanced over her tattoos briefly.

As the bell dinged for the third floor, they exited left and stopped at 319. Tegan knocked harder this time and they both listened. The gentleman asked her to try calling the hotel room phone instead, so she slipped her phone out and dialed the numbers he called to her. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Messaging service.

"Damn it!" Tegan sounded exasperated. The gentleman looked at her again and took his master key off of his belt loop and slipped it in the door.

"Thank you! Thank you, really," Tegan gushed as he turned to walk down the hall.

 

 

Tegan slowly opened the door and peeked her head around. The room was dark still. Sara was still in bed. Tegan crept close enough to assure herself that Sara was still breathing and heaved a sigh of relief when she saw her chest rise and fall.

"You worry the shit out of me, you know that Sa-Sa?" she whispered with a small smile across her lips.

Sara was sleeping soundly in the bed, still in her clothes from last night. Tegan put a hand on her hip and jostled her a bit, annoyed that she was so worried and even more annoyed that her sister is constantly doing things to make her stress like this.

Sara doesn't move. Tegan sees the bottle of sleeping pills on the night table. She sighs. Looks around and gathers up Sara's few belongings and calls Ted for assistance.

 

 

"Want me to carry her?" he asks quietly.

"No, I got her. It's okay," she says kneeling by the bed. Tegan slowly turns Sara over and slips an arm under her back and the other under her legs. She is surprised how easily she can lift her small frame off the bed. Tegan reminds herself to scold Sara for this when she wakes up and maybe make her eat a big meal.

Once on the bus Tegan lays her sister out on the couch in the common area and busies herself getting her a blanket and a pillow while the other members climb on board for a two day drive to the next town.

Sara sleeps soundly seeming un-phased by being moved from her hotel bed. The older sister sits close enough to stroke her hair absently as she slips on her headphones and drifts off, not quite asleep, but not quite awake.

Just an hour or so into the drive, Tegan is fully asleep, both the slow hum of the bus on asphalt and the restless night she had finally getting to her. Sara awakes slowly, and is groggy. She smiles a bit at seeing her sister with her head back against the couch, headphones on, eyes close and mouth hanging open in deep slumber. Sara feels a pang of guilt because she knows she didn't get on this bus by herself. The other band members had already grown tired of Sara's worrisome behaviors of sleeping pills, bottles of wine and her lack of interaction with everyone.

" _I used to be so fun_ ," she thinks to herself.

She is grateful to her sister because, although Tegan got mad at her, she still cared about her and it showed. She sat up slowly, in her post sleeping pill haze and gave her sisters hand a small squeeze before retreating to her bunk.

A few more hours pass quietly with the rumble of the engine and a few softly chattering voices in the distance. Tegan wakes up, and feels immediately panicked when Sara isn't still sleeping next to her. She looks around frantically and determines the bus is still moving and she couldn't have gone far. She moves toward the bunks listens outside of her sister's space for a moment. She breathes a sigh of relief at the soft sounds of the rhythmic breathing of slumber.

 

 

The bus rolls to a stop at a convenience store and gas station.

"Pit stop. Thirty minutes!" the driver tells everyone. Everyone shuffles off the bus into the store for various items. Tegan slowly pulls back the curtain of Sara's bunk and places a hand on her shoulder.

"Sara... Sara, we're making a pit stop. Do you need anything?"

"Hmm...," she mumbles, eyes fluttering open only slightly.

"Pit stop. Need anything?" Tegan repeats softly.

"I need a lot of things," Sara replies dryly, "Sadly they aren't available in a gas station."

Tegan exhales, exasperated, and turns to exit the bus, hands shoved deep in her pockets.

 

Inside Tegan buys a canned iced coffee drink and a prepackaged muffin that she hopes she won't regret later. She pauses for a moment in front of the candy section and grabs a bag of sour gummy worms-Sara's favorite. Back on the bus she tucks them into her bag for later.

The older sibling stays awake, reading and sipping her coffee at the table. The boys had finally emerged and were watching TV. She figures Sara must still be sleeping.

She thinks for a second about the items she gathered from Sara's room this morning and looks at her sisters bag on the floor near the couch. She wonders briefly if Sara is still keeping a diary. Telling herself it's wrong to be so curious but reminds herself that her sister is fragile and it would only be to help her. She decides to let it go. She just wants to get to the next venue, and get through the show without any issues.


	3. Chapter 3

The bus pulled into the venue early and everyone scrambled to gather their items for a shower. Rob called first dibs on shower, Ted second, Tegan third. Everyone else was on their own.

Tegan spent the next few minutes passing the time by digging through her bags for a clean pair of jeans and underwear. She really hoped this venue might have a laundry facility; she wasn't sure if she could make it another day to the hotel. Successfully having found a pair of jeans and some clean (well she really hoped) underwear, she waiting in the dressing room for Ted to finish his shower.

Ted appeared, toweling off his wet hair, "it's all yours, Tee."

"Sweet, I feel pretty gross," she says moving past him. Inside the small bathroom she turns on the tap, testing it with her hand until it reaches an acceptable temperature. Shedding her clothes, she drops them on the floor and hangs a towel on the door knob before finally stepping into the water. Her eyes close as the water sprays over her head, soaking her hair and running down her back. She begins to feel her tense muscles relax slowly.

"Where's Teeg," Sara asks, venturing in with a bag on her shoulder. She didn't get much of a response other than a head shake. "Alright, where is the bathroom?"

Rob motions down the hall, "at the end on the left there."

Sara nods thanking him before heading down the hall way. She walks briskly down the hallway anxious to shower and shake some of the post-sleeping pill haze she'd been in. Sara pauses outside the bathroom and listens for sounds but doesn't hear anything. She knocks twice with no answer.

" _All mine_ ," she thinks as she begins to twist the knob.

Sara's heart nearly jumps out of her chest when she sees Tegan, naked and wet, eyes closed under the spray. Tegan clearly did not hear her knock or hear her come in. Her eyes stayed shut as she ran her hands over her short hair and shook her head slightly.

Sara felt her mouth fall open slightly. Sure they were twins, and they were "identical" but Tegan's body was different. Her shape was fuller, she seemed softer and almost sweeter. She had curves in places Sara definitely didn't and Sara noticed only then that her sister definitely had more of an ass on her.

Just as Sara was looking Tegan over for the third or fourth time in the few seconds she'd been there, Tegan's eyes fluttered open and Sara was greeted with a shriek.

"What the fucking fuck, Sara?!" Tegan shouted, frantically trying to cover herself with just her arms. Sara swallowed her embarrassment at checking her sister out and looked pointedly at the wall to her right.

"I knocked. Twice."

Tegan stared at her in disbelief. "Well, clearly I'm in here, you can exit now and come back later, thank you!"

Sara, annoyed by her sister's tone, instead of leaving begins to put her things down on a shelf and walks over to the fogged up bathroom mirror.

"Sara. Leave. Now."

Sara shook her head, "No, I'm not leaving. We're twins. We have the same body parts, Tegan. It's not like I've never seen you naked, ya know."

Sara proceeds to unpack her toiletry bag and brush her teeth, pausing to re-wipe the mirror between spits. Tegan could see that Sara was choosing to be extremely stubborn, as she could be at times, and didn't push the issue much further. Instead, she just spun around and faced the shower wall leaving just her backside facing her obnoxious sibling.

She glances over at Tegan's ass once more and smirked, "Tegan, yo fit!" She loved saying that to her sister ever since a fan shouted it at a show. It was her favorite thing to say when Tegan looked nice or was getting attention from people. She knew it made her sister laugh and it worked this time too.

Sara heard a small giggle come from the shower stall and she couldn't help but grin. She paused for a second and thought twice about saying it, but decided not to filter herself.

"No, I'm serious. You've got a really nice ass." Tegan looked over her shoulder at Sara half amused and maybe a little disturbed that her twin had been checking her out. Then she glanced down at her backside and just shrugged.

"Yeah... I suppose I do. Thanks for noticing."

"So, are you going to hurry up or am I going to have to share the shower with you," Sara asked in a mock tone of annoyance. Tegan didn't believe her sister would actually share with her. In fact, she was willing to bet Sara would end up making a pouty face and whining for her to hurry the fuck up. She was so cute when she pouted and batted her eyelashes.

"Oh, I'm in no hurry. I smelled horrible," Tegan said, stretching languidly under the spray as if to demonstrate her point.

"Oh is that so?"

She nodded. Not far from the truth, she thought. Tegan turned and put her face under the spray of hot water, expecting to open her eyes and find Sara sitting on the toilet, pissed off about waiting. Instead, she spun around to find Sara slipping into the shower stall next to her completely naked. Tegan didn't mean to, but her eyes glanced quickly over her sister's body once...okay, no twice before asking her what the hell she was doing.

"I'm showering," the younger sister responded, "Duh. We used to do this all the time as kids."

"True, but Sara...we're nearing thirty now. Don't you think this is odd? Just a little?"

"No," she said curtly, "Do you?"

Tegan raised an eyebrow, "Yeah... I do." She paused, "But you smell, so I'm gonna let it pass this once."

"Gee, thanks. Can you pass me the shower gel please?" Sara asked with her hand out. Tegan leaned over to get it and felt Sara's eyes on her. Tegan's face flushed, more because she felt a surge of adrenaline and less because the water was really hot.

Tegan hands over the shower gel and steps out of the way to let Sara get wet. She meant to turn the other direction and start shaving her legs but didn't. Her sister was gorgeous. Her body was leaner than Tegan's frame, her features seemed more angular and her bones seem to come right out of her. She hadn't realized how thin her sister had gotten and it made her heart sink a little.

"Sara, do you even eat anymore? You are getting so tiny it's ridiculous," she asked as she ran the razor up her leg.

"You mean food?" Sara quipped, "I eat food. Plenty. Although, these days I'd trade real food for pussy."

The razor slips out of her hand and hits the tile with a clang.

"Shit," she mumbled, picking it up quickly and focusing in on her leg in hopes Sara wouldn't notice the flush of her cheeks. "I know the feeling..."

Sara turned under the shower head, rinsing the shampoo from her hair and watched Tegan doing a very poor job of shaving her right leg.

"You might want to get down there," Sara said motioning in a circle around her crotch, "You got a little something going on there."

Tegan's eyes snapped up, "No thank you. That's uncomfortable." She glanced at her sister, completely hairless and smooth.

"I don't know how you stand it, doesn't it make you itchy?" Tegan's face screws up at the idea.

Sara shrugged, "You get used to it, I guess. I dunno. Emy liked it."

"Ugh, I do not need to know," Tegan said flatly.

Sara paused for a moment, eyes focused on the tile flooring of the shower stall. "I miss her a lot."

Tegan hated seeing what Emy had done to Sara. Every mention of the girls name sent her into over-protective mode and she felt like hiding Sara away until she was strong enough to attempt another relationship.

"I'm sorry, Sara. I know you do, but...you're okay right?" Sara nodded, unconvincingly. She gave her hair another quick rinse and stepped out of the stall.

"I don't know what I'm doing," she said as she grabbed her towel and wrapped it around herself quickly.

"What do you mean?" Tegan asked, pausing again with her shaving. She rinsed the razor, this was hopeless. She can't focus enough to shave her own leg. Maybe tomorrow.

"I'm sorry I barged in on you, Tee," Sara looked like a lost puppy with her downcast eyes and her wet hair, "I'm gonna go get dressed in the other shower room."

"Okay...," Tegan's voice trailed off, confused at what just happened. _Motherfucker_. There was another shower?! Seriously, sometimes the things her sister did made absolutely no sense. She snatched her towel off the rack and wrapped herself up in it and hurried herself into her clothes.

Tegan didn't see Sara again until just before going on stage.

"You okay?" she asked, uncertain of what all had really happened in Sara's head in the bathroom.

Sara nodded, "Fine. I'm fine."

A lie. Tegan knew it. She always knew it. Sara couldn't hide much from her. But she let it go since it was literally seconds to showtime and they couldn't afford a big fight right now.

The show that night was tame with little banter back and forth. Tegan attempted keeping the crowd engaged and even did her best to bring Sara into the mix as much as possible, but Sara hid behind her bangs and her Les Paul.

She didn't miss any chords or stumble over any lyrics, but Sara's head was not in the game. She was lost, in her own mind, in memories and in confusion over why she'd wanted to shower with her sister. Occasionally, Tegan would glance up and notice Sara making a face- either appearing to be on the verge of tears or grimacing, as if she were in pain.

They wrapped the show and exited the building quietly. Back on the bus, Sara retreated to her bunk immediately without saying a word. Tegan was hopeful she'd emerge eventually and she could question her twin about her behavior and if she was really alright. Two hours later, she decided to call it a night and gave up hope. She dressed in her pajama pants and an old t-shirt and climbed into her bunk.

Tegan lay there staring up at the ceiling that was only inches away from her face. She worried about Sara constantly these days. She was pretty sure Sara didn't even have a clue as to how much Tegan worried about her. At times, Sara would even accuse Tegan of 'not caring' or being 'heartless' because she never showed much outward emotion, but inside Tegan was a mess too.

Her heart hurt for her sister's painful breakup. Her heart hurt for Sara's struggle with depression and anxiety. She just wanted her to be better, to feel better, to be fixed. Tonight her spell of nightly self exploration was broken. She sighed and reached for her iPod. She wanted a song for Sara tonight. She scrolled down to Missy Higgins and selected " _Nightminds_ " as she shifted herself into a comfortable position. The words rang all too true in her ears as she drifted to sleep...

_Just lay it all down._

_Put your face into my neck and let it fall out._

_I know, I know, I know._

_I knew before you got home._

_This world you're in now,_

_it doesn't have to be alone,A_

_I'll get there somehow, 'cos_

_I know I know I know_

_When, even springtime feels cold._


	4. Chapter 4

Sara keeps to herself for the next day. Anytime the bus stopped, she purposely leaves--for coffee, for a walk, for a snack when she isn’t even hungry-- anything to keep her from seeing Tegan. It was incredibly hard to manage in such a small space, especially with several other people added to the mix. Sara had become pretty skilled at avoiding interaction in the last few months, in fact, sometimes she felt she was too good and it made her feel lonely on a bus full of people.

Tegan slipped out of her bunk mid-morning the next day, after untangling her headphones from her body where she'd fallen asleep. She listened for the sound of Sara inside her bunk. 

"She went out for coffee," Rob said, his head pointing to the open door of the bus. 

"Oh, right," Tegan mumbled, "Thanks. Hi Rob." 

"Hi, Tegan," he gave her a small smile and walked passed her out the door.  Tegan grabbed some clothes and went to the back room they used mostly for a dressing room and changed. Exiting the bus she heads into the nearby gas station and buys a pack of Camel Lights. She hasn’t smoked in months, but she’s feeling extremely stressed by her sister's behavior lately. Walking down the isles she passes a selection of gummy worms, gummy bears, and gummy O's and she remembers the sour gummy worms she'd bought for Sara last time they stopped. She'd forgotten to give them to her in all the awkwardness that took place and makes a mental note to give them to her soon.

 

Outside, she slides her sunglasses off her head and down over her eyes. She smacks the pack of cigarettes against the palm of her hand a few times before opening them. Slipping one out of the pack, she walks toward the back of the bus. The less likely Sara is to see her smoking, the less chance Tegan will have to endure a lecture. She wasn't in the mood for it today. 

She nestles herself against the bumper and lights her cigarette, taking a deep drag and exhaling slowly. _Yes, much needed after these few days_. She figures they have a few more hours before getting to the next city stop, where they'd check into a hotel and play two shows there back to back before moving onward.  What city were they in? She isn’t sure. It seems small. 

The convenience store looks like a vintage photograph with its hazy filtered light and dilapidated structures nearby.  After awhile, the cities all began to look the same.  They felt the same. Big cities could become claustrophobic when things were tense between her and Sara and small towns could feel enormous and empty when she felt lonely and left out. She sighs and flicks her her ashes off to the side before resting her head on the back of the bus.

 

Sara slips cautiously back onto the bus, keeping a shaded eye out for Tegan. Back in the safety of her bunk, she attempts reading her newest book but finds herself staring at the page for several minutes, focusing on the same sentence over and over. She sighs, closing the book and opting to slip on her headphones. Hoping to lose herself in the music of someone else for a little while her fingers drifted lazily across the touch interface and she taps the shuffle button.  The music comes through with a tapping drum and a bluegrass sounding guitar.

  _It's hard to let the miles pass me by,_

_yellow lines that blend together in my eyes,_

_and when the seasons change again, then I will too,_

_but I just wanna be closer to you..._

 

Her finger twitches to hit the skip button but she hesitates and aborts the action. Instead, she closes her eyes and rests her hands across her stomach.

 

Tegan finishes her cigarette and boards the bus as the others were strolling up. Once on the bus, Tegan joins everyone else in the common area, watching some mindless TV show. She doesn't even notice when the buzz of the TV is drowned out by the sound of her own thoughts. 

_Poor Sara. Little Sara. Lost Sara._ Tegan knew something was amiss. She just wants to hold her sister close and suffer the pains of whatever she was feeling and not sharing. In the last year, Tegan couldn't help but slowly take down her walls around Sara. She was more open, more engaged, and more physical. Up until the last year or so, they'd shared a strict no touching rule. Now, Tegan couldn't even remember why they'd felt so harshly towards touching each other, even just for a hug. She enjoyed touching Sara--her skin was soft, her hugs were soothing and with each embrace Tegan felt like their bond grew a little more. If she'd known all this could be achieved by a simple hug, she'd have never embraced the no touching rule in the first place.

 

 

At the hotel, Sara is the last off the bus as it was the only way to ensure no Tegan encounters.  She wonders absently if Tegan had even noticed they hadn't spoken today. She picks up her key to her hotel room-- most likely across or down the hall from her sister. Sometimes she really wants to request to be on the opposite side of the building, or on the floor the furthest away. She never does, though.  She wants distance, but when she had it, she misses her sister. And when she misses her sister, she thought of her. A lot. It frustrated her that even her thoughts seemed to be shared with Tegan. 

Sara glanced around the generic room. It was nothing special. Just a room, with a bed, a night table and lamps with weird on/off switches.  She sat down on the bed and opened the faux leather booklet laying on it.  A few minutes later, she'd ordered a bottle of red wine and a turkey sandwich. Fuck Tegan for thinking she didn't eat. _Okay, okay no_.  She let out a  sound of frustration and told herself tonight, she would not think about Tegan at all. Not once.

The room service is delivered in a matter of minutes and she quickly consumes the sandwich, surprised at how hungry she was. It wasn’t the best she'd ever had, but she seems to settle for mediocre a lot these days.  

She sits still for a moment, on the edge of the bed, staring at no place in particular on the wall. A moment later, she decides to slip into her bathrobe, have a glass of wine and then take a bath. Tonight was a Tegan-free night, and she was going to enjoy. _Shit._ Except for that one thought. _Okay, Tegan-free going forward_.

 

Tegan slipped her room key into the lock and let herself in. She didn't bother to look around. The rooms are just like the cities, they blend together into a collage of overly starched sheets, stale coffee and mini shampoos.  She dropped her bags onto the couch, kicked off her shoes and flopped onto the bed, relishing in the open space.  

She pulled her phone out of her pocket to check for messages. Nothing. She thought about texting Sara, since they hadn't talked all day. In fact, she hadn't even seen her twin all day.  The last time she saw her twin, they'd just shared an awkward shower in a venue facility and Sara ended it mumbling and stammering her way out of the bathroom, apologizing.  Tegan was confused and desperately wanted contact with her sister. She just needed to know what was going through her head.  She set her phone on the night table, opting not to text the younger sibling. If Sara was avoiding her, then it would probably make the situation worse.  Instead, she flipped on the air conditioner, turned on the TV and settled in for a night alone.

 

Sara's evening in had been a struggle so far. She wanted a night without her brain being wrought with thoughts of Tegan--Tegan's thoughts, Tegan's feelings, Tegan's wants, Tegan's needs, it was like she couldn't escape her. She felt certain she did not resonate so loudly in her sister's head day in and day out. 

She finished her first glass of wine and poured another as she turned on the tap and let the decently sized tub fill up. She slipped out of her robe , rested her glass on the edge of the tub and slides slowly into the steaming water.  

The water was too warm, but she relished it. It burned her skin and she almost hoped it would burn every thought of her sister out of her mind. She relaxed slowly against the cold side of the tub, sinking just low enough to bring the water up to her chest. She exhaled and thought of the last time she'd attempted a relaxing bath while on tour. 

 

It had been quite some time ago, back when she and Tegan shared hotel rooms. Tegan had said goodbye and gone out for coffee and to sight see with the other band members and Sara didn't expect her back for awhile. So, she had set down in a bath, in a bathroom similar to this one, and put on some Alicia Keys and let herself go. Her hands had slid down in the tub, down her body, between her legs and found their way around in a way they hadn't almost all tour. Her eyes had been closed, her forehead damp with sweat, her wrist cramping from her furious actions and about the time she'd gripped the edge of the tub, on the verge of her orgasm--Tegan had slipped through the door quietly.  

Sara hadn't noticed immediately and didn't know she was being watched. Her orgasm rippled through her body in electric waves and her eyes opened slowly. Her heart immediately shot up into her throat and she felt sick. Tegan had stared at her, speechless, her teeth chewing on the left side of her lip. 

"I.., um, I... I didn't know you were in here...," Tegan had stammered, looking at the floor, cheeks red, "I'm just gonna... I'm gonna go. Sorry. Sorry Sara." 

Sara's heart had been racing, her body still alert and excited from the pleasure and she couldn't utter a sound.

 

_Well, fuck._ There went her Tegan -free night. She took a large sip of her wine. Maybe for every Tegan thought she had, she'd have another sip. Eventually, she was bound to have at least a few minutes without thinking of her twin.


	5. Chapter 5

Tegan awoke the next morning and blinked at the bright light shining through the cheap drapery. Her stomach rumbled and she glanced down at it and smacked it lazily. She'd forgotten to eat dinner. Apparently, she'd forgotten to put on her pajamas too--she was in yesterday's clothes, minus her red Converse.

She rolled over and grabbed her phone and sent Sara a message.

>  8:02am: _I’m hungry._

She paused before starting over. 

> 8:03am: _I'm starving. Are you up? Wanna get breakfast?_

 She hit send and lay in bed for another minute or two before slowly dragging herself up. Tegan saunters into the bathroom and rummaged through her bag for her toothbrush. She brushed her teeth, staring down her reflection in the mirror. Sometimes it really baffled her that there was someone that looked identical to her. Aside from teeny, tiny little subtleties, her twin really was absolutely identical.

She finished brushing and leaned over to rinse. As she did so, she caught a glimpse of cleavage down her v-neck shirt and paused for a second. Standing up fully, she turned to the side and threw a glance down her back. She laughed a little to herself at Sara thinking she had a nice ass. She didn't feel like it looked any different from Sara's, in all honesty.

After sticking her head in the sink and giving her hair a quick cleaning, she checked her phone for a response from her sister. Nothing.

 

"Maybe she's still asleep," she thought, digging through her bags for a pair of black skinny jeans and her favorite plaid shirt. She dressed, slipped on her shoes and threw her sunglasses atop her head. She grabbed two hotel keys from the desk and shoved them into her back pocket, along with her wallet and made her way for the door. Tegan paused at the full size mirror on the back of the door and straightened up her shirt and patted her hair down in the back. A closer lean towards the glass showed the circles forming under her eyes.

"Ugh, I look like shit," she mumbled aloud to herself. With a huff, she walked back to the bathroom and dug around in her toiletry bag. She wasn't much for wearing make up on a day to day basis, but she just didn't want her sister to see how rough she looked today. She dotted on some tinted moisturizer underneath her eyes and swiped a quick line of black eyeliner across the top of her lids and headed for the door again. Once more, she turned around and went back to her bag where she dug out the gummy worms she'd bought for Sara a few days ago.

 

Down the hall, she tapped on Sara's door lightly at first and then louder. No answer. After her panic about the other day's incident when Sara didn't answer, she'd prepared for this. When she checked in, she asked for Sara's room number and come back an hour later to ask for an additional key for Sara's room--as Sara. The young clerk didn't seem to notice her hair was different than the original Sara that checked in an hour ago. Sometimes being a twin had its advantages.

She slipped the other key out of her pocket and swiped it and peeked inside before entering.

"Sara?" She paused and quietly shut the door. "Sara? You here?"

 

The bed was still made. But Sara's wallet and room key were on the desk next to the bed. She glanced at the closed bathroom door and her palms began to sweat. She'd made the mistake of barging in on Sara in the bath before and got quite the surprise while doing so--she wouldn't be doing that today. Instead, she stood still outside the door listening for water or splashing sounds. She didn't hear anything.

She knocked lightly, "Sara? It's Tegan...," her voice trailed off. No sound. Grabbing the knob, she turned it slowly, looking down at the floor just in case there were any surprises on the other side of the door.

The surprise she found was Sara slumped over on the white tile floor, in a stark white bath robe. She stepped closer."Sara?" she tried not to sound as frantic and scared as she felt. The closer she got to her sister, the more she could see that there were small red drops on the tile floor nearby.

Blood. That had to be blood. Her stomach twisted in knots and she dropped to her knees, tossing the gummy worms carelessly on the floor. Her hands grabbed at her sister's shoulders, "Sara!!!"

She shook her roughly and felt her skin. She was warm, very warm. Tegan's eyes shout around the room for a sign, some sort of explanation of what had happened. On the other side of her limp sister was a bottle of wine and an empty glass.

With one arm around her sister, she leaned over and grabbed the bottle. Empty. Red Wine. She glanced back at the droplets on the floor and determined they were splashes of wine, and not blood. Relieved, she looked back down at her sister. Sara had consumed the entire bottle. She was passed out drunk. Tegan turned her sister's head towards her body and gave her a hard slap on her cheek. Sara's eyes jumped open and she stared, pupils shrinking in the harsh light as they tried to focus.

 

"Tegan!" Sara slurred with a smile, "Hi Tegan."

"Hi, asshole," she replied trying to sit her sister up against the edge of the tub.

"Sara, are you drunk?"

"No, Tee Tee I didn't drink that much," she said before letting out a giggle.

"Sara! You drank the whole bottle!" her voice was louder, but not very harsh. Sara looked confused.

"Sit right there, I'm gonna grab you some water, okay," she said, leaving her sister for a split second to grab a cup from the counter and fill it with cool water. "Drink this," she said quietly, handing it over.

 

A while later (Tegan felt sure the crew were wondering what the hell was taking so long), Sara was sitting against the tub having consumed three glasses of water and two aspirin; she looked down at the floor and remained quiet. Tegan sat next to her, their thighs and shoulders touching--Sara still only in her robe, only two layers of fabric between them.

"Sara, what's going on?" Tegan looked imploringly at her sister, her eyes searching the younger girls face for an answer. None came. Sara stared blankly at space on the floor as if her mind was somewhere else entirely.

"I don't know," was the slow, calculated response. Tegan could go the harsh route and call her twin on the bullshit and potentially upset her even more, or she could be patient and hope that if she asked the right questions, she'd get the truth.

"Did I do something?" she asked in a small voice looking down at her hands in her lap. Sara shook her head no out of the corner of her eye.

"No," Sara sighed deeply. It's me, Tegan. I'm the problem."

 

At this statement, Tegan swung her body around to face her sister directly. "What do you mean you're the problem?"

Sara lifted her eyes from the floor and turned to meet her sister's gaze. She could feel the tears welling in her eyes, and the warmth rising in her cheeks.

"Sara...," Tegan slipped her arms around Sara's thin shoulders and pulled her close, "Talk to me. I'm here, you know I'm always here for you."

 

Sara's body seemed to give in to the sadness and collapse against the older twins. Tegan felt Sara's head rest on her shoulder and the tears making warm, salty drops as they fell from her sister's eyes. She squeezed her tightly and let her sob quietly for a moment before pulling away to take Sara's face in her hands.

"Please, tell me. What's wrong? It can't be that bad, Sara. Please?" She used her thumbs to gently remove the tears from Sara's cheeks.

Sara's eyes fluttered close at the touch and she leaned her head gently to the side, into her sister's touch. Her whole body seemed to tremble. Her eyes opened again, glistening with tears as her hand took hold of one of Tegan's wrists.

"I love you, Tegan."

Tegan smiled warmly at her baby sister. "I love you too, Sara. You know that."

 

Sara's cheeks reddened and her eyes shot downward briefly before locking on her sister's once more. "No, Tegan...," she paused and sighed loudly, tears springing up again, "I think I'm in love with you." She choked on the last part of her statement, as if she were barely able to get the words out.

Tegan didn't remove her hands from Sara's face; instead they just sat there for a moment, eyes locked on each other. The tears began to spill over and slide slowly down Sara's cheeks, falling onto the fabric between them.

 

It felt like the world stood still. Tegan's heart was beating loudly enough, and fast enough that she felt sure the entire floor of the hotel could hear it. Her brain was processing at a mile a minute, trying to piece together what was just said. There was absolutely no denying that she shared a special bond with her sister, but this? She wasn't sure what this meant. She wasn't sure what was happening.

"Tegan, say something," Sara's voice trembled, "Please?"

Tegan opened her mouth to speak but no words emerged. She licked her lips and tried once more. Nothing. Sara's eyes watched the movement of her sister’s mouth, cautiously. Tegan seemed frozen, with her hands still cupping Sara's face gently. Sara took this opportunity to lean forward, slowly, never looking away from Tegan's eyes. Tegan reacted by inching forward as well until their lips hovered over each other, barely touching. They seemed to dance this way for a moment, one not sure of the other's actions.

 

Tegan's hands brought her sister's face in the rest of the way and closed the gap between them. Their lips pressed against each other softly, tentatively. Sara's tears continued sliding down her cheeks, this time landing on the fullness of Tegan's face as well. Tegan let her right hand fall to her lap as her left hand slid behind Sara's neck. Their lips pressed together more firmly and Sara whimpered softly.

They parted from each other and slowly opened their eyes. Both looked at each other with a mixture of desire, fear, uncertainty and awe. Sara, encouraged by the fact that Tegan hadn't run away screaming yet, quickly slipped a hand behind her sister's head and brought her in hard and fast for another kiss. This time her tongue slipped from between her lips and traced the softness of her twins lips, begging for entrance. Tegan's mouth hungrily obliged and their tongues collided, sending shivers down Sara's body.

 

Sara gently bit on her sisters lower lip, leading Tegan to suck in her breath as she groaned loudly. Tegan met Sara's fierceness by pulling away from Sara's lips quickly. For a split second, Sara thought it was over--that was it, she’d really fucked up now. But her thoughts were quieted as she felt Tegan's lips meet with the curve of her neck. Tegan ravished her neck with a mix of soft and rough kisses, biting every few seconds and pausing to suck long enough to leave a mark. Sara moaned into her sisters ear, eyes closing, as she tangled her fingers in Tegan's hair.

Tegan left Sara's neck long enough to get in another rough, wet kiss. Sara's hand left Tegan's hair, slid down her back and snaked its way up under her t-shirt. Tegan jumped at the contact, but continued letting her tongue dance with her sister's open, groaning mouth. The older’s hands found their way to the sash of Sara's robe and gave it a quick tug. It came loose easily, and Tegan's mouth left her sisters again to meet Sara's fantastic collar bones. Sara dug her nails into the warm skin of her sister as she felt teeth dragging across the bones of her body, biting, sucking, licking.

 

"Oh fuck," she spat out. Tegan giggled at that statement and maneuvered her way atop Sara's legs, straddling her thigh. Her hands traced across Sara's collar bone slowly, and slid underneath the white terrycloth robe, finding themselves cupping her twins breasts eagerly. The robe fell away and Tegan took a moment to revel in her sisters beauty. The angles of Sara's face, the curves of her body--they were all perfect.

"You're so beautiful," she whispered, meeting Sara's lips again. Sara's hands quickly slid themselves around Tegan's waist, slipping back under her t-shirt, lifting it up anxiously. Tegan got the hint and broke away to lift her arms above her head as Sara helped the shirt off. Sara let the shirt fall by the wayside and focused trailing her fingertips across Tegan's face and across her shoulders.

Tegan greeted her twin’s body with adventurous finger tips as well, letting them slip down across Sara's naked hips. As Tegan's fingers slid over her thigh, she felt her breath hitch. She felt the warmth inside of her grow tremendously and that aching feeling suddenly appeared.

"I want you," Sara said, voice commanding, her hips rising off the ground in anticipation.

 

Tegan brought her lips down on Sara's swollen lips once again, urgently. Sara gasped as her twin’s fingers moved to her stomach, sliding their way down with a painful slowness. Her fingers continued southward and rested against her, radiating heat. Tegan's mouth was aggressive and demanding, teasing her with playful nibbles on her lower lip. Her sister's mouth found it's way down to her neck once more, biting her roughly as she slipped a finger into her wetness. Sara moaned loudly, and brought her hips against Tegan's hand, wanting more.

Ever the doting sister, Tegan obliged, sliding a second finger inside of her slowly. Tegan's fingers curled, causing Sara's head to fall backwards, resting against the edge of the ceramic tub. Tegan could feel herself dripping against the fabric of her underwear and, as if Sara read her mind, she reached for the button on Tegan's pants frantically. Tegan's fingers left her twin’s body momentarily as she did her best to shimmy out of her pants before resuming her position straddling her sisters thigh. Sara wasn't satisfied and quickly reached both arms around Tegan to unhook her bra. She tossed it to the side and immediately took Tegan's nipple into her mouth, sucking hard. Tegan gasped and ground her hips into Sara's thigh sharply.

Almost immediately, Tegan's fingers found their way back inside the younger twin, twisting and curling against her tightness. Sara watched her sister, so full of desire, so hungry for release. She snaked a hand between their bodies and Tegan’s legs. She raised her hand and rand her middle finger over Tegan's clit slowly before pushing inside of her.

 

Groaning, Tegan paused in her movements inside her sister to grind against Sara's hand desperately. In moments they were moving together in motion, Tegan riding Sara's fingers as she worked her own fingers inside Sara..

Sensing the build up inside her twins body, Tegan let her fingers slide up to Sara's clit where she began circling in slow, deliberate movements. Sara's body began to shake, her breath growing louder and she felt another surge of her own fluid leaving her body at the demand of Sara's fingers. Sara matched her movements and let her thumb flutter quickly over Tegan's most sensitive spot, both of them groaning into each other's necks.

Tegan felt her forehead prickle with sweat and the sensation increased. Sara felt the backs of her knees tingle and a deep pressure form near her stomach. They groaned and writhed against each other with such intensity that it felt like this was the only moment that existed in time.

Sara came first, at the hand of her older twin, her body shaking as the pleasure rocked through her in waves. Tegan, even more turned on by witnessing this, immediately followed, her juices flowing over her sisters thigh and strong, skilled hand.

 

Their bodies came to a stop, jerking at the slightest touch. Tegan rested her forehead against Sara's, eyes closed and breathing heavily. They sat there in silence, glistening sweat covered identical bodies still pressed against each other.

"I love you too, Sara," Tegan whispered in the ear of her baby sister. "I've always loved you."

**Author's Note:**

> These are REALLY old and used to be on FF.net until I removed them. Not really part of the fandom anymore but thought I'd post them as I'd gotten some requests for them.


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